All right, word-herders. It’s a new year and as promised, its time to lay out my landscape for 2014. It’s resolution time, and I’m not talking about scribbling in some Flavia notebook in purple ink whilst curled up on my neatly made bed sipping a cup of Vanilla Chai Tea…which is delicious by the way, so I’m not throwin’ shade on the the vanilla chai. No sir . Heck no. I’m talking about getting dirty, taking a couple tugs off a bottle of Russian Standard, cranking up the music and chiseling my resolutions on the stone tablet of writerly awesomeness. I’m talking about putting some real skin in the game. I’m talking about NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS FROM HELL!

(What’s a New Years Resolution from Hell?? See my last blog post, young grasshopper. It’s entittled…you guessed it…”NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS FROM HELL: Do it or Suffer!” Go ahead. I’ll wait…Done? Excellent. Read on.)

So without further delay and ado, here are my first (and-now-annual tradition)  publicly posted NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS FROM HELL: 2014 EDITION.

Goal #1: Complete a POLISH DRAFT of my short story collection. IF I FAIL TO COMPLETE THIS GOAL the consequence is this: I will total up 4 months worth of stoopid-money (money I spend on dumb stuff like impulse items, eating out, male escorts, candy bars….wait what?) and take the members of my Writers Group out for drinks until I’ve spent every last dime of it.

Tah DAH! *cricket chirp* I know. You don’t need to say it, but go ahead. Get it off your chest.

“What?! One?! One stinkin’ goal?! One miserable, pasty, flaccid goal?! My eighty-year old grandmother could do that and she’s dead!”  Simmer down! SHEESH!  One goal may not appear terribly lofty, but keep in mind that I have other things on the docket for this year, such as…wait for it…online grad school. That’s right, and it (in addition to my day job) is going to be a gigantic time-suck from writing spec fiction. The upside is that in two years time I will be the proud owner of a masters degree in social media marketing and well on my way to building my gleaming online empire in the sun. And hopefully helping you build one too. We can have a barn raisin’, Jeb! Who’s with me? Huh? Anyone!?

(mic feedback. empty house. awkward silence. realizes auditorium is empty)

Well, then CHEERS TO YOU ALL, YOU LAZY BASTARDS!

(drops mic. walks away)