The Usual Suspects: Denizens of the Writers Group

snowflake_imageRemember opening your bedroom curtain in the morning to find the first heavy snowfall of the season blanketing the ground with a foot of pure, unspoiled, pristine ¬†snow? You couldn’t wait to get out there and roll around in it. Snow, glorious SNOW! Then after about four hours, the magic wore thin; you had to pee, you couldn’t feel your fingers and your face hurt because some jerk nailed you in the head with an ice-ball. Jerky jerk-off.

So it is with writers groups. Consider the following: Continue reading

How to Be An Awesome Writer When You Aren’t Writing

Lets get this straight from jumpstreet. The only time you shouldn’t be writing is when you’re sleeping or dead (and no, showering is no excuse, you lazy turd. Ever hear of waterproof pens?!?).

If that is, you are a flawless FUEL INJECTED TURBO CHARGED WORD SPEWING MACHINE. If you are, good for you. Asshole.

But you’re not. You’re a broke-down hoopdie with a bad carburator and a droopy tailpipe. It’s why you’re here, hiding out from the writing matrons in your head like moody Goth teenagers behind the high school gym. Continue reading